Can't Get Over Them/ How a Breakup Can Change You

Can't Get Over Them/ How a Breakup Can Change You

Have you ever wondered how a breakup has reshaped you? Did it make you feel like you lost yourself, or did your entire personality shift? If you're struggling to let go of someone, do you feel changed—either for better or worse?

This story, shared by an anonymous submitter, delves into the profound impact of breakups. Going through a breakup themselves, they explored the topic to better understand their own experiences and emotions.

Breakups are one of the most common traumas we face, deeply rooted in our neuro system and influenced by our childhood attachment styles. This grief revolves around three factors: space, time, and the notion of closeness.

Understanding the factors

1. Space and Time. Where is the person you love, and when can you see them next?
2. Notion of Closeness(Attachment Styles). How close were you to them? Did you rely on them for emotional support?

When a breakup occurs, the person we love is no longer available in space and time. Yet, social media makes it hard to move on because it constantly reminds us of their presence. This loss feels similar to grief from death, making it difficult not to reach out to someone we miss.

The Emotional and Physical Toll

Research shows that women tend to experience higher levels of physical and emotional pain from breakups but usually recover fully. Men, on the other hand, rarely fully recover. Processing these feelings is crucial for healing. Those willing to face their emotions head-on, regardless of gender, move through grief more quickly. However, many use avoidance, anger,substances like alcohol, going out with new people, to numb the pain, which only prolongs the healing process.

Real-Life Examples

Consider the case of Steve Jobs, who used "scream therapy" to release pent-up emotions. He would go to the hills behind Stanford and scream to release his stress, helping him return to a happier state. This method, though unconventional, highlights the importance of finding ways to process emotions healthily.

Musicians often create their most powerful work after a breakup, channeling their pain into art. This process can be a form of alchemy, turning something terrible into something beautiful.

Attachment Styles and Breakups

Attachment styles play a significant role in how we handle breakups. Here’s how different styles are affected:

Anxious Attachment: Individuals with this style may feel the pain of a breakup more intensely, experiencing heightened feelings of abandonment and anxiety. They might find it harder to move on without the constant presence of their partner.

- Avoidant Attachment: These individuals often suppress their emotions and avoid dealing with the pain of a breakup. They might seem to move on quickly, but the unresolved emotions can resurface later.

- Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style generally handle breakups better. They feel their emotions but can process them healthily, leaning on their support network for help.

Fearful - Avoidant Attachment: This style involves a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. These individuals might experience intense emotional turmoil but also avoid dealing with their feelings, making the healing process complicated.

Crisis and Mental Health

A comment from someone working in crisis mental health revealed that many men experience severe depression and suicidal thoughts after a breakup. In contrast, women, despite initially experiencing high levels of negative emotions, often move on more quickly thanks to strong social connections with friends and family.

Moving Forward

Breakups can be transformative if we allow ourselves to feel and process the pain. Avoiding emotions or using work as a distraction might provide short-term relief, but it doesn’t address the underlying grief. Allowing ourselves to grieve and lean into our emotions can lead to personal growth and a stronger sense of self.

Questions For You

How did a breakup change you? Share your story or advice

 

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